Friday, November 03, 2006

Where to begin?

Having had a child diagnosed with ADHD for over 14 years now it seems strange to begin a blog at this time. So much has happened, so many battles have raged and so much has changed. Because I have so much history, and yet still so far to go, this blog is sure to time travel so I hope I don't lose anybody. I will try to pass on what I have learned, and continue to learn in the struggle to help my son and the ADHD community at large deal with such an overwhelming subject as Attention Deficit Disorder.
As of this writing my son is away at a group home where he has been on the recommendation of his IEP group for the past year and few months. This has been an experience unto itself. We had high hopes in the beginning that this would be the best environment for him to thrive and get back on track with some of the issues that had gone south since his first year in mainstream high school, yet it has turned out to be much less than we hoped. For now I am looking forward to having him come back home, once I persuade the judicial system that he is no longer being served at his current location and the best place for him is back home.
As a youth my mother would tell me that I would someday make a great father. I was great with kids and read to them in separate character voices so they could more easily follow who was talking- that kind of thing.
My first child was rather easy to parent, and my skills as a father were few and simple. I thought, "Wow, this is easy" (don't ever say that as soon you're about to see.) Then came my second son and all of a sudden I had to constantly learn new ways to try to gain control of the situation as each successful strategy was short lived. Now I know something about great parents. We are not normally self made- we are CHOSEN. People don't just wake up one day and say, "Hey, I think I'm going to learn twenty different ways to get my child to stop grabbing things that don't belong to him" especially when their child responds well to verbal stimuli and doesn't do this frequently. I had to wait until I had a child that didn't respond to the usual; talking, scolding, time out, longer time out, slapping the hand, spanking the bottom and sending to the room school of thought before I even had to THINK about learning some REAL parenting skills.
Now for the one-liner. I like to wrap things up into nice little sound-bites that are easily memorized and can be readily dispensed when the need arises. There is a saying that goes- "A calm sea never made a great sailor", and being a sailor I know what that means. It means that if you stay in a protected area or only go out on calm, gentle days, you will never be pushed enough to handle a challenge when the storm arrives. This is a great parallel to parenting, so we can safely say, "A Calm Child Never Made A Great Parent"
Please do not take offense to this if you had occasional difficulties with your children and you consider yourself a good parent. I have no doubt about your sincerity and even if all you did was attend your children's baseball games, helped them with homework and taught them good values and manners, then I would have to agree. I see LOTS of children every day whose parents could learn a lesson or two from you. what I am talking about is something much different, and if you don't have a difficult child, then you couldn't even begin to understand what I am talking about. Another way of putting it is like me as a male not understanding what it's like for a woman to carry a child for nine months and then give birth to them. Even though I was supportive and had to put up with my wife and pick up all the slack as she became less and less able to do her share of the responsibilities throughout all that time, I'll still have to take your word for what it is like to do something like that. I hope you will take mine : ) And to all you parents out there who are dealing with difficult children, learning disabilities, physical, mental or emotional problems and the like, I salute you. We are Super Parents and we deserve a little respect.