Looking through the rearview is sometimes pleasant, sometimes not, yet I find myself assessing my life more frequently as each trip around the sun becomes seemingly shorter. Could I have predicted this ADD parenting thing and chosen an easier softer way? What could I have done differently to have made the course of events better? What can I say to those following in my footsteps to help them avoid some of my misteps and help them get to where I am now much easier and more quickly?
Well for one thing, don't do what my wife and I did the first 3 years of our sons life- we blamed each other for our son's behavior. She was an addict/alcholic (self medicating ADD) and I was a non manipulatable self willed co-dependant. A match made in Hell I used to say. We were divorced before he was born and visitation was a fun new way to sling arrows into the backs (and fronts) of each other. I would complain that every time I picked him up he was sick, and she would complain that every time I brought him back home she could not control him. I was the reason her life was in such a shambles and I would put the blame directly in her lap where I knew it belonged.
Looking back I can see that although neither of us needed these little wars, I can see no escape from them. This was just the way it had to be under these circumstances. The only other thing I could have done would have been to admit all wrong and pay all her bills, just like she wanted me to so she could go out and party all night long without any consequences. What addict/alcoholic wouldnt want this? And being a self-righteous co-dependant I was not going to give in one bit.
After a few years of this the new game was to bring him over to my house at 8:00 a.m. and tell me I had to take care of him because she couldn't and after all he was my responsibility too. How could I argue with that? So I found daycare, got him to a doctor (still sick) and rearranged my schedule to accomodate my suddenly new lifestyle. Of course a week or two later I would get a phone call demanding more assistance with the threat of taking him back if I didnt comply. Needless to say she came and got him the next day. 4-6 weeks later we would play this out again, and finally the third time I realized this was a new and twisted game and changed the rules by refusing to give him back and I took her to court for full custody. Although I got a lot of heat from her and her family, this went over a little better than I expected and I suspect that this was what she was hunting for all along. Sure she had to blame me for it, but how else could she save face?
Soon, after having my son with me longer than a couple of weeks we started having problems. The public seemed to want my son to behave with a little more constraint than we were used to at home. At home he could play all day and what little boy doesn't, right? In public he had to sit still for a few minutes or be quiet or basically not climb around so much. Surely my wife didn't teach him any manners or work with him at all, so naturally she got all the blame. Hmmmm, sounds vaguely familiar, except the roles are now reversed.
Looking back these were the arguments that didn't need to be fought. Our son was the way he was, not because we were awful parents. We were merely basically skilled parents, with a high needs child. We were in over our heads and the easiest way to bail out a sinking boat is to pass the bucket to the other person.
Three years and 2 daycares, 3 preschools and 2 kindergartens later I was picking him up from school early a couple of times a week. He was not doing any better in elementary school than he did in a more casual setting like preschool. Still hitting people, pushing people, swearing like a marine, "whapping" other kids with sticks, throwing rocks at cars, hiding under desks, and running into the street whenever the urge hits him. Something had to change, and that something had to be me.
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